Product Description Members of the Harvard Negotiation Project--which brought you the mega-bestseller Getting to YES--show you how to handle your most difficult conversations with confidence and skill.
Whether you're dealing with an underperforming employee, disagreeing with your spouse about money or child-rearing, negotiating with a difficult client, or simply saying "no," or "I'm sorry," or "I love you," we attempt or avoid difficult conversations every day. Based on fifteen years of research at the Harvard Negotiation Project, Difficult Conversations walks you through a step-by-step proven approach to having your toughest conversations with less stress and more success. You will learn: how to start the conversation without defensiveness why what is not said is as important as what is ways of keeping and regaining your balance in the face of attacks and accusations how to decipher the underlying structure of every difficult conversation
Filled with examples from everyday life, Difficult Conversations will help you on the job, at home, or out in the world. It is a book you will turn to again and again for advice, practical skills, and reassurance.
"Does this book deliver on [its] promise of an effective way through sticky situations, whether 'with your baby sitter or your biggest client'? It does."-- The New York Times
"These talented communicators blend a daunting array of disciplines into highly readable and practical advice."-- Booklist
"Brilliant. . . . I've already re-read most of it. I'm using it. What more could a reader ask?"-- Tom Peters
"Emotional Intelligence applied to life's tough moments."-- Daniel Goleman
Amazon.com Review We've all been there: We know we must confront a coworker, store clerk, or friend about some especially sticky situation--and we know the encounter will be uncomfortable. So we repeatedly mull it over until we can no longer put it off, and then finally stumble through the confrontation. Difficult Conversations, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, offers advice for handling these unpleasant exchanges in a manner that accomplishes their objective and diminishes the possibility that anyone will be needlessly hurt. The authors, associated with Harvard Law School and the Harvard Project on Negotiation, show how such dialogues actually comprise three separate components: the "what happened" conversation (verbalizing what we believe really was said and done), the "feelings" conversation (communicating and acknowledging each party's emotional impact), and the "identity" conversation (expressing the situation's underlying personal meaning). The explanations and suggested improvements are, admittedly, somewhat complicated. And they certainly don't guarantee positive results. But if you honestly are interested in elevating your communication skills, this book will walk you through both mistakes and remedies in a way that will boost your confidence when such unavoidable clashes arise. --Howard Rothman
Everyone should be able to learn and benefit from this Difficult Conversation book. I wish I had read this book earlier. December 1, 2008 Have you ever feel nervous, fear of the consequence and/or in a dilema when trying to bring up this following examples of topics: asking for a raise, ending relationship, giving a critical performance review, confronting disrespectful behavior, disagreeing with the majority in a group, apologizing, telling the painter not to smoke in your house, firing your employee who also happen to be your friend, and the list goes on..
The point is, whether it is as home, at work, at many other places in your daily life, difficult conversation occur everyday (and either it is attempted or avoided). One interesting concept that the writer brought up is that delivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade, and whether it is coated with sugar or thrown hard or soft, it is still going to do damage (and there is no such thing as a diplomatic hand grenade).
While this book doesn't promise to solve all the problem that you have with your difficult conversation, I believe this book will help pretty much everyone in one level or another. Having said that, in the end, the result will depend on how we are applying and adapting the principles that were described by the author. I personally have applied some of the learning from this book and have seen positive result, and I do wish I have read this book earlier.
Now let me give a summary on the content of the book (without giving it all away of course):
In handling difficult conversation (disagreement, argument etc), these following steps should be taken to improve the outcome of the conversation (before any problem solving effort should take place):
1. Discussing what actually happened (go to the bottom of the "ladder of inference" and talk about the facts only, and not our observation, interpretation, or conclusion of the facts)
2. Do not ignore the feelings (many times, the issue is deeper that it appears, and that feelings are at the heart of difficult conversation, so acknowledge them, for both parties)
3. Utilize the "Contribution" concept (instead of blaming or being defensive)
4. Self-introspection (have the identity conversation and what this situation mean to us)
5. Really listen to what the other party is saying and their story (without filtering it with your inference and internal voice)
6. Say what you mean (don't expect the other party to mind read you) and be authentic
7. Assume positive intent and try to manage your internal voice
The book talks a lot more detail (of strategies) about each item and the tactical example for each of them. Also on the problem solving section and to create the learning conversation once all the facts has been laid out appropriately.
Hope you will be able to turn your difficult conversation into learning conversation,
Sidarta Tanu
Full of how to's September 18, 2008 Definitely on my recommended book list. A must read for women in business.
Susan Bock The Success Coach for Women in Business www.SusanBockSolutions.com
Good Reference September 17, 2008 Good reference book with some good advice in it. I would recommend it for someone having to deal with some really difficult folks!
conversations September 2, 2008 It is intense with good information, should be read slowly in order to incorporate suggested language into daily routine.
Looking forward to great results! August 6, 2008 This book helped me to recognize where some of my previous conversations have gone wrong and should help me gain the foresight I need to avoid repeating the same mistakes in the future. Also a book that have a great chapter about this topic is I Love You. Now What?: Falling in Love is a Mystery, Keeping It Isn't
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